Seems since I have posted our need to my favorite online group I have suddenly noticed that there are so many stories of families needing help with fund raising. None are holding their TA in hand and could have already traveled to China and had their child in their arms like us... but it is still sad to see. You just wouldn't think it would be that hard to help others, even when you are in need. I have done it for years. I have given the proceeds from "Chinese for Adoptive Parents" as grants to families adopting from China that had family alerts on my favorite group and donated from my own pocket to almost every family alert announced. I missed a few due to not even having ten to give. I just gave out what will be this years grant months early to help another family who has helped numerous other families. That one didn't hurt as much. You see, every time I have given those grants out I have needed them as much if not more than the families receiving them. But the money was not mine to keep and it has given me much happiness to see families getting their children that I have assisted, no matter in how small an amount.
There are so many groups out there that should be doing this for their members. And not limiting it to new members, but to members they know are in need. The members that they know are there not because they heard about the family alerts and the group helping, but because they know it is a group that cares and they want to be a part of that caring, not just a recipient of it. If more groups could do this then there would be less families out there like mine who find themselves, not in convenience need (with untouched 401k's, home equity or other loans they could take, or even room on their credit cards) but in desperate need (have none of those resources and have exhausted all avenues available to them) that would find the help they need.
I can't begin to tell you how being in this position takes away from the joy of adoption. I actually heard the words escape my lips the other day that I thought I'd never hear, "I will be glad when this adoption is over so I never ever have to do this again." If someone had ever told me I would say that I would have told them they were crazy. But the word came out. Asking for help isn't just humbling... it's down right humiliating. I want to go to my group and say, "Hey. I am one of you. I am in need and I hope you will help me." But I can't have a family alert because I have had one before. The loving people that they are they have allowed me to post my request for yuan but no one has responded yet. Oh, I am a die hard when it comes to holding out hope. But fundraising will take that out of you long before it builds it back up.
At a time when I should be praising God that we only need 5100 to travel to get our little girl, I am cursing that 5100. as it is as insurmountable as we felt that 18-19k was when we started out. And every time I start to write this post I delete it. I know... it's totally whaa whaa whaa... but I am only human and this whole situation is very depressing at the least. Every time I look at Maggie's picture I just want to cry because I know now she is there still in that orphanage because of me. Because I had to be so selfish to want one more, to fill that last empty bed when we didn't have the money up front. But she was so beautiful and had been passed up by so many already. Could you have passed up that beautiful face at the top of this page. That was the first picture I saw of her. She looked so sweet and delicate and I thought... "Who would not want this beautiful girl." And when everything fell into place... I just knew it was God letting me know that I was on the right path. I think I am on the right path? Right now, after puking my guts up for a good 24 hours while I took care of my seven kids at home with my husband away and stressed out over this whole matter... doubt is easy to come in. I think the stress is making me susceptible to every bug in the area. I have had three so far. I can say with confidence that I prefer the flu with congestion and headaches to the gastrointestinal one hands down. Today I am wimpy and that's my excuse for my whining. Not good enough to me either... but it will do for now. I am too tired to really even think further on it. :o)*
Blessings Abound!!
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